Total Disguise

...Since you could make me smile
Then you could stop the world for a while
Sometimes you make me cry
Then you give me wings and make me fly...

Hello!!! after 4 damn years, i think my inspiration wants to come! so in the very first place,  i will write the second part of my previous letter. lets start!😊 Hi, love. Another 4 years passed from my last letter to you... Did I forget you? No way. I remember you every day, every night, every moment.... What happened during all these years? Actually, 4 years are not a short period. Do you want to read my story about you but without you? I'll tell my memories, my thoughts, my feelings.
Ok, love... I attempted to forget you...Really... even it was the hardest thing in my life, but I tried. Could I? No... During 3 years, I wanted to believe that everything has gone and you are a huge 0 (zero) in my life. I persuaded myself to it...
Until... Until... Until to the date when i saw a guy who was playing with his dog... He acted completely like you... He was playing like you played with your Zeus. I was struck with that moment.
The only tear dropped from my eye... I missed you.. I really missed you... I again went to Paris... but this time I was alone. I wanted to go back and take all my memories from those places. From airport I got on underground and went to the Republique station. Do you remember which station is it? Yes! My travel started from our favorite place - Favela Chic... The place where we danced forgetting about everything in this life. Where you kissed me with the sweetest flavor. Where you hugged me tightly... I sat down there... and ordered Pina colado for me... Caipiroska for you... I drank for both of us. I became drunk for you and me... you know i remembered i first tried an alcochol from your lips... it was the sweetest sin...I cried... I cried a lot... I started dancing...as there is nobody next to me... i love this cuban bar... İt is a real witness of our love and passion. 
Day 2. i woke up with terrible headache in the Hotel Regina Louvre.    i had a hangover. i again remembered you. i remebered your attention and love to me when i was ill. you even cooked food for me... i was your little, naughty girl. you cared about me more than anyone. today i decided to go to Latin Quarter. One of the most romantic places in Paris. however, i have different memories about that “quarter”. Everyday i was waiting for you from work here. as soon as your place was near to that location. we loved those narrow streets, the bitter smell of coffee and little cosy cafes. sometimes you
were terribly tired so we even didnt speak. we just hugged each other and stayed in that pose for hours.... i tried to remember every detail of our relationship. i came to our favorite “Le Danton” and booked our favorite table... alone... i again missed you with all my heart. i miss your smell. you know im sensible to smells. wherever i feel your smell i become calm... it gives me confidence... as you always gave it to me...

Day 3. Today i ll go the museums. Do you remember each Saturday was ours “museum” day. i started from Louvre... i looked at all canvas and again talked about them... as i did in the past. how we loved to discuss everything. you were my muse for learning new information and developing myself. then i went to National Gallery of Modern art, Museum of Monet and so on... i wish you were near to me... i wish you held my hands... and kissed them... as always you did...

Day 4. Today im going to the top of Eiffel tower. you know how that place is holy for me... This place is full of “firsts”. I remember how first time we went there ... You made a surprise for me. you took me to the top and for the first time you acknowledged your love... even if i felt it... i became freezed for few minutes. then i just screamed : I love you more, my man!!! I love you more! So you just took me in your arms and we rotated for 3 minutes. İt caused dizziness and we laughed a lot. 
1 month passed from that day... we didnt hurry up... and in our 1 month of “love” we again came to this place. You just said to me to close my eyes. You kissed me for the first time... i was shocked aNd even raised my one leg)) you laughed a lot and said that im your little and pure girl... after few months you gave me a ring here and wanted me to marry you! i was the happiest person in the world. yes , you loved me and dreamt about future life of us... 
i remembered all these moments with you... and i left Paris... with tears in my eyes.

Can i forget you? No, of course no... I cannot... you were mine, i was yours... you were my sweetest part and my secret passion. I loved sin in your body... i loved your emotions .... i loved your eyes... i loved your hands... i loved your arms... i loved my height near of you... 20 cm difference between us... and i always felt like a little girl... i loved the way of your love ... i loved how you loved me... nobody can replace you... nobody can be you... may be it is not fortune and we will never be together again... but remember you will always be loved...the most loved... 

I wish you happiness, my weakest part... you deserve happiness... but im sure, you will never love anybody more than me... and nobody will be me...

if one day you will miss me, call me... find me... i ll always be  here for you❤️

ps. and i understood: i was in Paris only with you... because you are Paris. you are my city of love...



https://youtu.be/TtX0ajW_sW8

This love has taken its toll on me....

Do you remember that song? 

I love it from the first time I heard it... 

So I decided to name my today's post with it... as much as it is related to my post.

Today I’m not going to tell a story or describe you a history just from third person. Today I’ll copy you a letter… just a love letter. I don’t know whose words are these or whose history… I’ll just write it… from 1^st person…even though it is not related to me…:))))) 

Love letter which will be given to a pigeon for bringing it to the right address…

Hi love… how are you? I know you remember me… at least as me… do you remember today? Just 3 innocent years ago we got engaged… how it started? Do you remember, love? Everything began with just one random request to my fb profile… It was cold winter evening when I checked my profile and saw new friend request. And till today I cannot understand how I accepted you, as a person who avoids seeing unknown people in her list… may be it was just fortune… and you wrote me… I was angry and I talked to you very badly… you just smiled to my disgusting answers. I turned up my nose and I don’t know why… may be you were handsome… and I didn’t want to show you that I liked your photos from first sight… I tried to hide my thoughts… Months passed… we were talking every week. And each time you asked me why I’m so rude… you were living in another county which was so far from my place… I was jealous… jealous to the person who I haven’t ever seen… after 3 months you came and wanted to see me… I rejected… in my heart I prayed thousand times “ask one more time”. You asked not one time but may be hundred times… But I again ejected. And I don’t know why… I was afraid of falling love. You went back… months again passed.  You again came… but I didn’t reject again… I went to see you… I remember that little café. You ordered a blueberry cheesecake and said you don’t like desserts. I ordered chocolate cake. But do you know I even don’t remember the taste. I remember you. Detailed… I remember your checked greenish shirt, I remember your blue jacket and your rubbed jeans… I remember your eyes which I don’t want to discuss. Im still jealous to you.  They are the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. You were tall which I didn’t expect. I don’t remember what I talked but I know it was stupid stuff. But you liked me… you loved me… as you said after few months…  we became couple… I don’t know how…we started to date during your 1 week vacation. And you went back to your damn Paris… i hated that city and I still hate… it hides my love… it took from me my biggest love… 6 months  passed and you just said you want to know my family… I was the happiest girl in the whole world…we got engaged after 3 months… I remember my beautiful Tiffany and Co ring … we  were happy… so happy… we were dreamed about our future life… we even named our future children… we traveled around the world together in our thoughts… we had little but cozy house… in our dreams… and  just 1 year after it you helped me and came to your city for a year… the first 3 months were our heaven. We did everything together , do you remember? We went to concerts, dance halls, clubs, bars together. We drank together and were drunk together… we danced till the morning  together… we kissed each other during hours… and sometimes we just slept by hugging each other in the bench somewhere in Paris… we were in love… we lived love… we were thirsty to love and finally we found it… your friends started to hate me because I stole you from them… you went everywhere just with me… do you remember we won the nomination of the cutest couple in the club? Yes, love, we were the cutest couple… and who put the evil eyes upon us? What happened? 3 months after it…after a little fight i threw my ring and you said before it “everything will be gonna finish if you will do it”. I didn’t believe on you… I did it… and you did what you said… yes it was finished… I couldn’t breathe… you also… but we could not come back…just after 1 month you ran after me… I showed you coyness. You didn’t understand and thought I don’t want you back. Were you fool, love? May be you were not my first love, but you were my biggest love… You tried to fix everything after 1 month but I did the mistake of my life and said you I’m not single anymore. You were broken… I saw it in your eyes. And at that time I felt victory… because some envious people said to me you are trying to be acquainted with some girls… I hated to you… I could not believe you can forget me for this short period… but these people just lied to me… now I hate myself… how I could not believe to the person whom I loved? And just one month passed… I phoned you by crying and you just asked where I am… I just hugged you… you fed me that day… you stood near to me when I slept during the night… yes you were with me again. And again I felt myself safe… yes your arms were the safest place in the whole world. we started to date again…everything started one more time…but nothing else come back… im not talking about love… It was not gone, so it wasn’t come back… You understood im just a stupid, non-adequate, boaster girl… and I wanted you back you didn’t come back... I knew you loved me but your heart was broken… we again were together all day… but like two best friends… I even wasn’t angry to you… I understood you…i remember our last date in Paris. I was crying… and I saw just one single tear in your eye… I smiled… yes you love me… you still love me… then I left that city… you couldn’t stand without me even 2 months… you came… and the first person you wanted to see was me… we again went to our first date place… we were just two friends…

Love, I miss you… I miss you more than everything…  come back, my fortune… I cannot love anyone as much as you… I cannot feel anyone as much as you… I remember even your breath… 56-59 times during 1 minute do you know? I miss the heat of your hands… when you hold my hands…when you warmed my hands… I miss your arms… when I was in depression…when I was worried…when I was cried…when I was happy…when I was smiling…when I wanted to kiss you... I miss your kisses… innocent, soft, romantic, beautiful, long lasted… I miss your heart beating…when you hugged me… as my head was standing in the same level with your heart….i miss your smell… your tom ford perfume… it was so native to me…. I bought it to me…I scent it to my pillow everyday… for just feeling you next to me… love, do you know I learned to cook your all favorite food… you will not eat anymore salty food  for just not hurting me… I ll be perfect for you I promise…

Just come back, love! I cannot without you! I just cannot… there is no meaning of anything without you…

I love you… I love you a lot…

My 3 L's

Last days I started to think about a recipe of happiness. Oh what is happiness? Is it the same for everyone? No, definitely, no. However, everybody wants to be happy. I remember a short story by my favorite John Lennon which became so popular:

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.

Yes, life is about being happy. For everyone the way to his/her own happiness is different. But without exception everybody wants to be happy. Even if we happy, we find new ways for being more happy. Our jug of happiness is not limited. We achieve one step, we want to the next one... May be sometimes it makes us feel unhappy. For me, we should not make life complicated.  We have to be happy with little but with big morally meaning things. IMHO. 

For me the recipe of happiness is consist of 3 letters... 3 Ls... 

LIVE, LOVE AND LAUGH! 

Every day, every hour, every minute!

Photo by me, Kensington Gardens/ 2013

Говорят, плохая привычка опаздывать. Особенно если в чью-то жизнь. Особенно если насовсем...

Не опаздывайте...По идее это банальное предложение. Не несущее в себе особого значения. Не опаздывайте. Но если вдуматься, то это слово имеет очень глубокий смысл. Из-за малейшего опоздания мы можем потерять многое. К примеру, если мы опаздываем на вступительные экзамены, то мы теряем как минимум год жизни. Если мы опаздываем на работу, то рискуем потерять её.  Таких примеров в повседневной жизни очень много. Но сегодня я не буду говорить о простом опоздании. Есть более весомые. Для того чтобы встретиться с кем-либо, будешь откладывать встречу, и может наступить день, когда этого человека не станет. Потому что,  жизнь такова, ты не знаешь что будеть через минуту. Старайтесь не упускать ни минуты проведенных с близкими. Ты можешь любить кого-то очень сильно, но не можешь ему в этом признаться. Будешь ждать подходящего момента.  Пока ты ждешь его, время не останавливается, течет своим чередом. Ты будешь строить планы,мечтать,он не будеть знать,в итоге рядом с твоим любимым будет человек, который сумел, который опередил тебя. Если хочешь извиниться перед кем-то, откладывая это на потом, в один день ты поймешь что для этого уже слишком поздно. И будешь лишь в этом ты обвинять только себя. Старайтесь не опаздывать. В жизни этого делать нельзя ни в чем. Поскольку каждый свой возраст вы проживаете только раз. Вы больше не будете такими,какими вы сейчас являетесь. Не скрывайте своих чувств. Не скрывайте своих мыслей. Вовремя признавайте совершенные вами ошибки. Успевайте сказать любимым о том, как их любите. Не надо привязываться к гордости. Она не сотрет ваших слез, пролитых на подушку, но когда внутри все заледенеет то любовь будет вас согревать. Любите, любите много от души и не скрывайте этого даже сейчас читая это подойдите к любимым,  скажите "я тебя люблю" поцеловав при этом в щеку. Этими любимыми могут быть ваши родители, братья и сестры, друзья и вторая половинка. Не стесняйтесь сказать люблю, тут нечего стыдиться. Любовь это рычаг жизни. Любите и не молчите об этом.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQYAykwgzGo

p.s. the photo is from my personal collection.

Inside my heart is breaking and my make-up may be flaking...

...But my smile still stays on...

14th of April, 2012, 9:00 am. She woke up with the annoying voice of alarm. She looked at her phone and suddenly remembered that many years ago Titanic sank in this day. She surprised to herself related to this fact. Anyways... It was her 3rd day in BudaPest. She stayed in beautiful luxury hotel on Pest part of the city. Next to her there was a huge shopping center. She planed to go to excursion and then to do shopping today. So she had breakfast and went out. The weather was hot, so she wore her boyfriend jeans and just simple reason t-shirt. She was beautiful with any exaggerating. So with her simple look she was fascinating. The excursion was interesting. They went to Buda Part of the city and had great time here. She saw Fishermen's Bastion, Buda Castle and other places of interest nearby. Then she went to Matthias Church and as a person who believed God a lot she stayed a little bit long here and prayed. She believed in  God...even she was not christian she believed the religion is love and God hears her from everywhere. The day started good-she thought. She took a lot of pictures and felt satisfied. When they were back from tour it was 4 pm. So she decided not to lose time and went to that shopping center which located near to her. After 4 hours of shopping, she finally felt that she is terrible tired and went to Costa Coffee. After few minutes she saw incessant look pointed to her. In the table next to her she saw a guy, he was smiling to her. As she was deadly tired she even cannot give him smile for an answer. However, the guy was persistent and he stood up from his place, came to her table. He just asked where is she from. She answered unwillingly. He saw she is not in her mood, he just wrote his number to a little paper and gave her. When she looked to him with the question in her eyes, he just said if she wants somebody to show her city she can call. Of course she didn't even remember about him during 2 days. After 2 days, it seemed she saw all city and got bored, she remembered him and write him short message with the postcode of her hotel and with her name. He answered immediately and said he would come after 3 hours. She again was charming with her simple beauty. He came with flowers in his hand. She was shocked, they were peonies. The most lovely flowers of her...and first time she looked at him. He was handsome... He was too much handsome. Why she didn`t pay attention on it... So finally they went out from hotel. He brought her to the little river cruise with musicians. It was late evening and the weather was getting darker and darker. She felt cold, he gave his jacket her. After having great time, he brought her back to hotel. They promised meet again tomorrow. She felt she is getting used to him. Oh that feeling... She is afraid of it more than any love any hurt... what about him? for him there was a love from first sight. She left 5 days and during that 5 days they were together all days long...even nights... there were best times for both of them... the times with full of love, full of feeling, full of passion. The last day they even didn`t go out from their number. They just hugged one another during hours... They know this love cannot be finished only by this trip. No they will meet. They will have plans for future. They will be happy together for good as in fairy tales. They dreamed together a lot... He hugged her stronger and stronger, it seemed he didn`t let her go to anywhere. They cried...cried together. He kissed even her tears. Pure tears. And they tried to enjoy the last minutes of being together...Next day, our sleepless girl went back to her native land. She felt an unusual emptiness inside of her. Her native land came to her as a place with strange people. She was looking for dear eyes which are the most native eyes in the world. No, No, No he is not here. Even they talked by Skype she missed him a lot. From day to day...  He also missed her. Sometimes he sent flowers and chocolates to her. Sometimes he made some little surprises. However, nothing can replace the breathe of your love next to you. Months are flied and after 3 months he came to her. Of course, she was happy... They were happy... However, she hid her relationship from her family, as she was sure it is not acceptable, he was from another religion and nation. So they became more careful. She didn`t go to university during 10 days and spent all her time till the night with him. And the time again came.. It is time to say Goodbye... Again... He was her sweetest Hi and hardest Good Bye.  1 year passed, they met maximum 3 times in a year. Once she again went to BudaPest for a month and they spent awesome time..more beautiful than any Honey Moon. Finally, they decided to marry... She does not know how to explain the situation to her family. As they cannot accept it...She pulled herself together and acknowledged her love.. Nobody accepted... None of them... And their decision was decisive... He came to her country... He tried meet with her family.. Talk to him... But no solution. Two people from different nation and religion cannot marry... They just said "Forget everything" like a random nightmare during sleep. They persisted.. But nothing... She didn`t it anything during long days... No result... She tried to run away with him but couldn`t. She was living in prison. As she was weak also in character, she could not stand too much. She started with little drugs... and day after day she became addicted... He didn`t know about it... He saw she is getting gloomy and rude every day... He couldn`t understand.... He thought it is just depression. But he didn`t have any suspicion about her love. He was sure she loves him more than everything in her life... She disappeared sometimes for few days... And finally he couldn`t endure and came to her country. He found her... He saw she is not the same person... Only her eyes are the same... He was angry to her ... But he just could hug her and cry... And wanted from her only one promise about not doing it one more time... He promised to himself that if she stops it, he will disappear from her life forever. He just wanted her to be alive and healthy. She couldn`t... It was too late. She couldn`t without it... Her family was distraught with grief.. They wanted him to help her... Ofcourse, he forgived them..The only wish of him was to see her as before... She was with him all day ... he was near to him... he didn`t leave her alone even for a minute... Just one day he slept... She stood and took the dose.. And it was not normal dose.. it was overdose.. He found her dead next to him... Her previous face was back... She was beautiful with the smile in her face.. He couldn`t stand to this scene.. He just could shout... Shout wildly.. widely... His little girl is dead.. The girl with whom he constructed future plans... The girl who gave him the best moments of his life... The girl who helped his heart hit... The girl who became his whole world... and now she passed away... He could not stand...After 3 hours Ambulance came.. Her family also... They brought their daughter and the guy was taken to madhouse.. As he lost his mind... But the last wish of him was to send peonies to her grave everyday from his card account... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4G0qXga5Lw

                       

Can human be an angel?

There was a shining beautiful morning in her favorite city. In  the city of love and beauty... yes, the next destination of my story is again magnificent Paris. She was living in her little flat in the Avenue Franklin Roosvelt. That day she woke up at 10 am and as it was Saturday, she decided to enjoy the beautiful weather in her lovely city. She was so optimistic and full of life. It seemed she felt something in the deepest part of her heart. She knew God has plan for her and for her life. So she prepared well. She wore her Valentino lace dress with beautiful Louboutin pumps and took her beautiful Chanel Boy bag. Finally, she scented her favorite perfume - Chanel Chance. Yes she was too much chic for just a walk. However, she believed in her feelings. She was sure today something is going to happen. She took a taxi and went to 

Parc Monceau. The weather was great here. She heard happy smiles of children, she felt best feeling of people, she saw romantic mood of couples and she was full of life. She sat and started to look around. She was impatient : something has to happen today! And at that moment she saw a man 20-30 metres from her. Oh My God...-she just could whisper. She saw these eyes first time in her life. She can drown in them during the rest of her life...The kindest look in the world... He was ideal... He has beautiful brown eyes with perfect eye-browns. They fit perfect with his sharp nose and reddish lips. He was tall with good body shape. Is it love from first sight? - she thought... for a minute she froze in her place... He cannot be a normal man... No, normal man cannot be such perfect. He is an angel! It felt like the character of this man was written in his face. It was the most well-wishing face in the whole world... Finally, she came to herself after he touched her with the question "Vous allez bien, madame?" , which means "Are you ok, lady?" . She lost herself and could say only one word, "Yes". He smiled at her and said that he asked the way to Starbucks from her for 5 times and she was numbed. She felt ashamed. But he was smiling and it helped her to be better. They started to talk... They went to cafe, drank a glass of red wine and started enjoy the day together. She could not remember the most beautiful day as this in her life. She was in love.. Also him... At the end of the day they gave their numbers to each other and each one went their home. She could not sleep that night. Oh Thanks God for such a nice present... He was her dream man... What happened to him? He also loved her... She was innocent and pure person without any bad effect of life. She was like a little girl... She could be happy with little things... With colorful candies, with big baloons and so on. The next day he called her and invited to the Notre Dame de Paris. He wanted her to accompany him during the pray time. They went together... They prayed to their God and both of them wanted from God the same thing: let this moment last forever... After praying they went out and started to walk in the beautiful streets of the most romantic city. The days lasted ... She acknowledged her love to him as she could not save it in her heart anymore. He smiled and kissed her for the first time, so he just  proved his love with emotion. It was the sweetest kiss in the world. She felt the dearest lips on her owns. They cannot stop kissing. The kiss was pure... it was simple.. it was without any burning passion... It was just proof of pure love. They did not wait anything from each another. They just lived their present time... The love was nice the love was beautiful... And it was getting bigger from day to day. Their hugs became stronger everyday. Sometimes they just spent nights by just hugging each other. It was perfect, if... if only there was one problem. He was getting lost sometimes. For day, sometimes for a week and etc. He could not explain. She did not excepted any explanation also... As she relied on him absolutely. But she was thinking may be he has any problem. He never talked about his life, his activities and work... One day she could not endure. And when he went to his house, she decided to follow him. He went far and far... finally, came into the middle of little field and opened his hands wide. She was shocked, what is it? What is he doing here ... it is the place far from the civilization.  And she lost consciousness when she saw his disappearance. He just went out of sight in front of her eyes. He went to the sky... She slept at her place and saw a dream. He came to her with tears in his eyes... And asked her question "Why you followed me, the Queen of My Life?" , " Why you did it?"... As you know my secret, i cannot come back to your real life anymore... It is not allowed to me... I cannot do it... I cannot touch you anymore.. I cannot make you happy anymore... I was an angel who followed you during long years and who finally got permission from God... I loved you during long time... I guarded you from the mistakes... I protected you from bad incidents... And finally, i decided to be next to you and become a guardian angel-human for you. However, from today I cannot do it. God called me back and i cannot come to you anymore.. Except your dreams... You will see me only when you sleep. Our love will last in dream world". She woke up with tears in her eyes... And from that time, she lives in her dreams... She wants forever sleep from God every single day...

A night story... by SHE again...

She was sitting in her favorite sofa in that dark night... The music was playing in low volume.... And She again started to think... She thought her feelings are the most painful and stupid ones in this world. 

What happened? Yes... happened the worst. She was in love with her best friend. She loved him with all her heart. How did it happen? She did not remember. Because when she opened her eyes to life, it has already existed. 

Now she has just few questions...

Do you know what is love? What is no response love?

You know what is to love the person who is the closest in your life? 

Do you know the situation in which you cannot just escape? You cannot escape even from yourself. Because your life is full... Full of this person. In every side of your life, there is HIM! 

Do you know what is to love your best friend who cannot even imagine that you love him? The person who can come to you and talk to you about his love stories. The person who periodically wants advice from you. And with all your efforts you just curb your feelings with tears in your eyes and lie. You just want to shout : Don't speak!!! Don't speak!!! Don't speak because it hurts... But you cannot... You are just friends.. Close friends... You need each other ... just as a friend... as a good friend... It lasts years... and the most painful feeling is when you are jealous... jealous of person who is not yours. and will never be forever!!!

You remember your days with him... You remember dates...the dates which he cannot even remember approximately... but you can say even the exact time. you remember the places where you laughed and cried together. the places where you fought... you remember with smile the places where you were confused as a romantic couple... you were closer more than every couple. you know each other better than any lovers. but you are not couple... you do not have any romantic relationship... you are just friends. you have to remember it every time... every minute... 

And

Finally, 

You just imagine your own hell in this world..After few years, you will be again friends.. with different families who will have to be friends as well...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGL1v1zq4xg